Wedding finances/family rant

[heyzeus]

This may be a little petty, but it's rants and that's allowed.

So, I got married last November. None of my wife's parents (they're divorced, her dad is remarried) had much money to contribute to the wedding. Not a huge deal, I went into savings to pay for it and my folks kicked in a good sum too. My father in law (famous for giving me a wooden cross last year for Christmas) wasn't sure if he could contribute anything. Then, just before the wedding, he gave us a thousand dollars that he was going to spend on a trip to a family reunion. He also had to have two surgeries. So I didn't mind that he couldn't give us any money. He had to sell off a beautiful red Triumph that he had personally restored just to pay his medical bills. Really it was fine.

But over the weekend we visited him, and he recently bought a Tuffshed ($2500) so that he could move all of his musical equipment and accumulated crap in there while he installs central heating and air conditioning, carpet, insulation, and a skylight in his other two-story shed, which will hold even more of his stuff. Clearly a few thousand dollars worth of work.

So maybe it's petty of me. But I'm kinda pissed that he could barely give anything to us for our wedding, but can afford to do this. Also it bothers my wife and I that he spends every dollar he makes on hobbies like this, even though he's getting older and into worse health and won't be able to do his job (house painter) forever, or even much longer.

Just so i am understanding this correctly. He has had 2 surgeries, had to sell his prized possession to pay off medical expenses, still ponies up 1000 dollars, in lieu of a family vacation, for your wedding and your stilled pissed because he had the audacity to spend some money on his own home where according to you he won't be alive long enough to enjoy? Maybe I was brought up on a different set of expectations but i think he went above and beyond in this matter for someone who clearly wants everything from him.

I have never understood children who think their parents owe them.....

Besides quoting yourself, you're putting words in my mouth which I don't appreciate. Hey, if you want, ignore the wedding stuff, since it's water under the bridge and I paid for it. Do you care if your parents, if they're still around, plan for their retirement, or would you rather worry if they're going to be able to stay in their house and live? He doesn't owe us [expletive].

[M1IRONMIKE]

i understand your concern for his future but the basis of your rant was he didn't pony up enough for your wedding which i find as spoiled and selfish. He is who he is and there is no changing a senior citizen who is set in his ways. So he lives in a shack. He wants that shack to be comfortable. more power to him. A possible solution for his troubles may be letting him live with you. Would you consider that? Would he?

[M1IRONMIKE]

This may be a little petty, but it's rants and that's allowed.

So, I got married last November. None of my wife's parents (they're divorced, her dad is remarried) had much money to contribute to the wedding. Not a huge deal, I went into savings to pay for it and my folks kicked in a good sum too. My father in law (famous for giving me a wooden cross last year for Christmas) wasn't sure if he could contribute anything. Then, just before the wedding, he gave us a thousand dollars that he was going to spend on a trip to a family reunion. He also had to have two surgeries. So I didn't mind that he couldn't give us any money. He had to sell off a beautiful red Triumph that he had personally restored just to pay his medical bills. Really it was fine.

But over the weekend we visited him, and he recently bought a Tuffshed ($2500) so that he could move all of his musical equipment and accumulated crap in there while he installs central heating and air conditioning, carpet, insulation, and a skylight in his other two-story shed, which will hold even more of his stuff. Clearly a few thousand dollars worth of work.

So maybe it's petty of me. But I'm kinda pissed that he could barely give anything to us for our wedding, but can afford to do this. Also it bothers my wife and I that he spends every dollar he makes on hobbies like this, even though he's getting older and into worse health and won't be able to do his job (house painter) forever, or even much longer.

Just so i am understanding this correctly. He has had 2 surgeries, had to sell his prized possession to pay off medical expenses, still ponies up 1000 dollars, in lieu of a family vacation, for your wedding and your stilled pissed because he had the audacity to spend some money on his own home where according to you he won't be alive long enough to enjoy? Maybe I was brought up on a different set of expectations but i think he went above and beyond in this matter for someone who clearly wants everything from him.

I have never understood children who think their parents owe them.....

Besides quoting yourself, you're putting words in my mouth which I don't appreciate. Hey, if you want, ignore the wedding stuff, since it's water under the bridge and I paid for it. Do you care if your parents, if they're still around, plan for their retirement, or would you rather worry if they're going to be able to stay in their house and live? He doesn't owe us [expletive].

My parent are fortunate. My father has a fantastic retirement. He has money in the bank. He owns his own home. I expect him to spend every bit of his money making himself comfortable and want none of it. It is his. However if he were in the financial shape you describe your father in law in I would not hesitate to bring him in my home.

[Hungary Jack]

Meh. Fuhgeddaboutit. He gave you a nice wedding gift which seemed extraordinary at the time. You are better off establishing complete financial independence.

[heyzeus]

i understand your concern for his future but the basis of your rant was he didn't pony up enough for your wedding which i find as spoiled and selfish. He is who he is and there is no changing a senior citizen who is set in his ways. So he lives in a shack. He wants that shack to be comfortable. more power to him. A possible solution for his troubles may be letting him live with you. Would you consider that? Would he?

No and no. The wedding was background and part of the rant; the fact that he spends a lot on some things but not saving for a future, which makes his daughter worry all the time for him, is the real crux of it. No #2: he doesn't live in the shack. They have a nice normal ranch house. The shacks - there are two of them now - are in the back yard. Nobody lives in them, they just hold the lawnmower, old newspapers, tools, musical equipment, and other assorted junk.

Living with us is not currently an option. He has a wife and two teenagers at home. My wife and I live in a 900 square foot house. But if there is a day when it's necessary, we'd make some sort of arrangement.

And if you think we're angling for an inheritance, that's making me laugh. Not his job, and not gonna happen. No, we'll be satisfied keeping him out of the poor house.

[M1IRONMIKE]

i understand your concern for his future but the basis of your rant was he didn't pony up enough for your wedding which i find as spoiled and selfish. He is who he is and there is no changing a senior citizen who is set in his ways. So he lives in a shack. He wants that shack to be comfortable. more power to him. A possible solution for his troubles may be letting him live with you. Would you consider that? Would he?

No and no. The wedding was background and part of the rant; the fact that he spends a lot on some things but not saving for a future, which makes his daughter worry all the time for him, is the real crux of it. No #2: he doesn't live in the shack. They have a nice normal ranch house. The shacks - there are two of them now - are in the back yard. Nobody lives in them, they just hold the lawnmower, old newspapers, tools, musical equipment, and other assorted junk.

Living with us is not currently an option. He has a wife and two teenagers at home. My wife and I live in a 900 square foot house. But if there is a day when it's necessary, we'd make some sort of arrangement.

And if you think we're angling for an inheritance, that's making me laugh. Not his job, and not gonna happen. No, we'll be satisfied keeping him out of the poor house.

LOL....I completely misunderstood. I thought he lived in a shack. Plus I am looking at this from my perspective as a 45 year old with a 74 year old father. I am guessing the father in law is more my age than my fathers age. Nevertheless, to fret about him not spending his money the way you or I would or not investing in his future is not ever going to change him. He more than likely feels that he can't afford to future plan and lives paycheck to paycheck. In this economy it is tough to look to the future. especially in his line of work..

[Arthur Dent]

This is going about as well as that other thread.

Parents making bad financial decisions is scary not only because of what it will mean for them, but because the kids may be called on to provide support when things go wrong. I'm sure it's very difficult to have much influence on this either. Hope things turn out ok.

[tothebeach08]

You can't really change people. It's not really worth getting upset about either. Accept him for what he is and let it all roll off your back. Obviously parents don't "owe" their children anything, I don't think that's what you meant anyway. But I don't think wanting him to be a little more responsible in planning for his future (and the futures of those who depend on him) is asking too much. He's probably very glad his daughter married a guy with a good career, that's one kid he won't have to worry about.

[M1IRONMIKE]

This is going about as well as that other thread.

Parents making bad financial decisions is scary not only because of what it will mean for them, but because the kids may be called on to provide support when things go wrong. I'm sure it's very difficult to have much influence on this either. Hope things turn out ok.

your right...but the opposite is also true. I can't tell you how it sickens me to see senior citizens still supporting their 30 something year old children who still live with them. In my opinion this is even more ridiculous

[Freed Roger]

I wouldn't worry about the shed one bit. What good would it do anyway to bring it up.