Re: Corporate Speak
Posted: March 27 12, 2:17 pm
From The Daily Show's Earth, the (audio)Book, here's a segment...
"The Memo"
(Spoken by Samantha Bee)
"It is my understanding that some team members are experiencing a non-satisfactory level of disconnect, vis-à-vis our interpersonel messaging. To ensure we're all on the same page with our ducks in a row, we're opening the kimono to initiate a global refresh on FTF and e-munication standards, therefore, FYI, FFR, interface, dialogue, touchbase, face-to-face, connect, and advise indicate interpersonal communication. Execute, implement, leverage, facilitate, synergize, deliver, and exploit pertain to the performance of work. Robust, value-rich, seamless, best of read and user-centric denote merititorious quality. Further to enhighten our task simplicity quotient, the revealing of which could result in significant new awareness of human capital redundancy and attendant downsizing, all comms should going forward be both redundant and repetitive, with the occasional word-vention utilized in place of vocables of greater brevity, clarity, and bra verity. Augment with "occasional impenetrable acronyms" (OIAs), these syntactical enhancements add perceived value to each employee's personal brand. Exemplifications are under posted:
1. I want to circle back and interface about how to right-size our head count while still keeping workers incentivized.
2. Due to unforeseen life events, I'll be offline tomorrow, so can we push our interlock until post all-hands?
3. At the end of the day, net net, if we have a joint brown bag to come to agreeance on how to grow mind-share among targeted thought leaders by implementing best practices across the board, we can marketeer our wage ward synergizing a frictionless sales environment."
Translation of "The Memo"
(Spoken by Wyatt Cynak)
"Hey dumb [expletive], 90% of the stuff we say basically means either "talk", "make" or "good". But nobody pays fat salaries for talking about making good things. So to keep our scam going only use ungainly words and always 3 times as many of them as a normal person. Like you just heard:
1. Let’s discuss how we can fire people without making the ones we keep cry.
2. My uncle died, can we meet later?
3. Lunch?"
"The Memo"
(Spoken by Samantha Bee)
"It is my understanding that some team members are experiencing a non-satisfactory level of disconnect, vis-à-vis our interpersonel messaging. To ensure we're all on the same page with our ducks in a row, we're opening the kimono to initiate a global refresh on FTF and e-munication standards, therefore, FYI, FFR, interface, dialogue, touchbase, face-to-face, connect, and advise indicate interpersonal communication. Execute, implement, leverage, facilitate, synergize, deliver, and exploit pertain to the performance of work. Robust, value-rich, seamless, best of read and user-centric denote merititorious quality. Further to enhighten our task simplicity quotient, the revealing of which could result in significant new awareness of human capital redundancy and attendant downsizing, all comms should going forward be both redundant and repetitive, with the occasional word-vention utilized in place of vocables of greater brevity, clarity, and bra verity. Augment with "occasional impenetrable acronyms" (OIAs), these syntactical enhancements add perceived value to each employee's personal brand. Exemplifications are under posted:
1. I want to circle back and interface about how to right-size our head count while still keeping workers incentivized.
2. Due to unforeseen life events, I'll be offline tomorrow, so can we push our interlock until post all-hands?
3. At the end of the day, net net, if we have a joint brown bag to come to agreeance on how to grow mind-share among targeted thought leaders by implementing best practices across the board, we can marketeer our wage ward synergizing a frictionless sales environment."
Translation of "The Memo"
(Spoken by Wyatt Cynak)
"Hey dumb [expletive], 90% of the stuff we say basically means either "talk", "make" or "good". But nobody pays fat salaries for talking about making good things. So to keep our scam going only use ungainly words and always 3 times as many of them as a normal person. Like you just heard:
1. Let’s discuss how we can fire people without making the ones we keep cry.
2. My uncle died, can we meet later?
3. Lunch?"
