My Shampoo

[Bo Hart]

OK, let me get something clear here: I'm poor. Really, really poor. This is a direct result of living on my own and supporting myself, even with a ridiculously small income. I heard stories of people and how unfathomably poor they were during their college days, and I kind of envied them. I hoped to have stories like that, so I could look back in hindsight and laugh about it. Plus, as an adult I think it's a good accomplishment to be virtually entirely financially dependent from my parents.

Without further ado, Kyle proudly presents.... My Shampoo: A Rant.


On the surface, it sounds trivial. "Who cares?" "How anal can you be?" "Is this guy serious?" Those are probably a few of the questions running through your head.

With that said, let me bring up my two counter-points:

- It's the principle of it. I have my own stuff, you have your own stuff. Don't use my stuff unless you ask me. Yes, there are things that we share; for instance, we take turns buying the toilet paper for our place. But for the most part, we all buy our own stuff. It keeps things simple that way, and we don't have to worry about dividing up the prices and having debt to one another and ... blah blah blah. You get the point.

- See: the preface. I'M ****ING DIRT POOR. The bottle of Head and Shoulders I bought was like $6 (and yes, I know by saying that I'm not susceptible to something like, "SIX DOLLARS FOR SHAMPOO!? NO WONDER YOU'RE POOR!") out at Target. If he decides to free load off of my shampoo, then the already-high price suddenly doubles (for all intents and purposes) to $12! TWELVE DOLLARS FOR SHAMPOO! GOOD LORD!


Alright, alright... so you'll concede I may have a point (albeit a weak one), but think the solution is simple: "just tell him to stop!" No dice, folks.

- For starters, I already have swallowed by pride and [expletive] to him about it. He stopped for a while, but then I started noticing that my shampoo was being used again. He probably thinks he's getting away with it, but the beast that is my roommate leaves tracks -- he turns the bottle upside down when he's finished.

- The first time he started doing this, he ran out of his own shampoo (this time, he still has his own left). I noticed that for like two weeks he didn't have any shampoo in there, prompting me to call him out on possible shampoo theft. After the brief interrogation, he fessed up and came home the next day with a brand new bottle of his own hair cleaner.

OK, now think about that little anecdote for a second. You'd think that your typical 21-year-old would be able to make a simple inference: "hey, my personal supply of shampoo ran out. As a result, I need to buy more." That line of thinking apparently just blows his mind, because, I need to point that out to him. I'm beginning to think that he's not just too lazy or inconsiderate to buy his own (as opoosed to just using someone elses), I just think he's legitimately incompetent to the extent that he can't make a simple logical connection.


Where do I go from here? Some possible options include:

1. Pulling a prank: replace actual shampoo inside of my container with something that would be really hard to get out of his hair.
Pros: would anger him; opens the possibility of asking "why were you using my shampoo in the first place?" in a patronizing fashion
Cons: would trigger retaliation; risky -- could accidentally use rigged shampoo in an early-morning and/or drunken daze

2. Confronting him: go into a condescending rant.
Pros: would make me look cool in front of witnesses
Cons: he's probably not capable of comprehending what I say, thereby rendering this method mostly useless

3. Killing him.
Pros: would rid me of all of his annoyances
Cons: could get me into legal troubles; financial constraints would require me to do it myself, eg: no hitmen; messy; unethical (arguably)

[haltz]

This is another quality rant, Kyle. Though I fear I have more in common with your idiot roommate than you in this instance.

I know what you mean about the Head and Shoulders. I'm pretty basic with the toiletries, but when I still bought that stuff when I couldn't afford it. There's a bar of soap and a bottle of that shampoo in my shower. That's it.

First of all, you are definitely doing the right thing by keeping everything separate. We had four guys try and split up everything "evenly" over the course of a semester and it was the biggest disaster in the history of living arrangements. We were all friends before that, but now certain parties don't speak to each other. Hidden cameras would have made this all worth it, but we were obviously not that smart at the time.

Secondly, I would say that hopefully it doesn't suggest a lack of intelligence that he doesn't have the foresight to buy his own shampoo. I used to do that all the time. If anything, I believe this is a sign of a higher intelligence or hidden genius. Or maybe this is just more evidence that the dude is a terrible human being.

I'd at least have the decency to buy the other person a bottle of shampoo when I used theirs for a while, but I'll be damned if I'm supposed to remember stuff like that. The only time I think about it is when I look around in the shower and it's not there. I obviously have much bigger things to worry about. I can't be bothered with that sort of thing.

You should probably just tell him to buy you a bottle and to stop before you resort to making your life more miserable with this dude. Practical jokes can escalate quickly. For instance, you've probably never had someone defecate in a bag and put it between your mattress and your box spring. Or leave porn (NOT good porn) on the TV with the volume all the way up when they know you'll be coming home with a female friend. Although that's up for debate as to whether that's a bad thing, depending on what you're into.

Murder would be a good option, but you'd want to make him an example, and then you aren't going to get away with it.

Lastly, there are tons of downsides to living with people of the opposite sex, but when I shared a bathroom with two females, always having plenty of shampoo was not one of them. It's like you're right there in a Target aisle (albeit Head and Shouldersless) but the shower is going. If shampoo is a big issue to you, I'd look into this for your next living situation.

[cardsfansince82]

First off I'd like to say that now that Elphie is gone, the rants torch has officially been passed to Kyle.

I was going to suggest something like Pop said. Maybe not necessarily hide it from him but keep it in your room and take it with you to the shower. If he asks you why just say it is for practical reasons. Two or three people sharing a shower each with their own shampoo, conditioner and body soap and things can get pretty messy and crowded in there. You are just keeping things neat.

OR

You may need to confront him. If you don't make it perfectly clear that you aren't going to tolerate him using your stuff you will find him eating your food, using your toothpaste, etc.He probably knows what your financial situation is. Make him understand you are not in any mood to support him as well. Not sure what your best tactic is here. I had a roommate using my stuff and would never clean his own bathroom or wash his dirty dishes. I waited until we had guests over including a couple female friends and completely called him out on it and he showed a big improvement after that. Note: this only works if 1) he is capable of being embarassed 2) he would rather comply with you than experience that embarassment again in the future and 3) you can kick his ass.

[JL21]

1. Pulling a prank: replace actual shampoo inside of my container with something that would be really hard to get out of his hair.
Pros: would anger him; opens the possibility of asking "why were you using my shampoo in the first place?" in a patronizing fashion
Cons: would trigger retaliation; risky -- could accidentally use rigged shampoo in an early-morning and/or drunken daze

I had a friend go this route once.

The prank? He urinated a little bit in the guy's bottle of mouthwash.

[cardinalkarp]

I was going to suggest something like Pop said. Maybe not necessarily hide it from him but keep it in your room and take it with you to the shower. If he asks you why just say it is for practical reasons. Two or three people sharing a shower each with their own shampoo, conditioner and body soap and things can get pretty messy and crowded in there. You are just keeping things neat

That's what I was going to suggest. They have little holder things that should hold all of your bathroom items. Shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrush and other hair supplies. Just throw everything in there and keep in your room. He'll get the hint.

[JCShutout]

I was going to suggest something like Pop said. Maybe not necessarily hide it from him but keep it in your room and take it with you to the shower. If he asks you why just say it is for practical reasons. Two or three people sharing a shower each with their own shampoo, conditioner and body soap and things can get pretty messy and crowded in there. You are just keeping things neat

That's what I was going to suggest. They have little holder things that should hold all of your bathroom items. Shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrush and other hair supplies. Just throw everything in there and keep in your room. He'll get the hint.

++, although you don't need to buy an expensive holder, a paper or plastic grocery bag in the closet works well too for us poor folk.

[cardinalkarp]

I was going to suggest something like Pop said. Maybe not necessarily hide it from him but keep it in your room and take it with you to the shower. If he asks you why just say it is for practical reasons. Two or three people sharing a shower each with their own shampoo, conditioner and body soap and things can get pretty messy and crowded in there. You are just keeping things neat

That's what I was going to suggest. They have little holder things that should hold all of your bathroom items. Shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrush and other hair supplies. Just throw everything in there and keep in your room. He'll get the hint.

++, although you don't need to buy an expensive holder, a paper or plastic grocery bag in the closet works well too for us poor folk.

I think the holders are like 2 or 3 bucks but I guess if you are on that tight of a budget a bag would do just as well.

[Molly]

I was going to suggest something like Pop said. Maybe not necessarily hide it from him but keep it in your room and take it with you to the shower. If he asks you why just say it is for practical reasons. Two or three people sharing a shower each with their own shampoo, conditioner and body soap and things can get pretty messy and crowded in there. You are just keeping things neat

That's what I was going to suggest. They have little holder things that should hold all of your bathroom items. Shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrush and other hair supplies. Just throw everything in there and keep in your room. He'll get the hint.

++, although you don't need to buy an expensive holder, a paper or plastic grocery bag in the closet works well too for us poor folk.

Do the above & purchase a padlock for your bedroom door. If he doesn't get the hint he's pretty dense.

[Simbagal23]

I was going to suggest something like Pop said. Maybe not necessarily hide it from him but keep it in your room and take it with you to the shower. If he asks you why just say it is for practical reasons. Two or three people sharing a shower each with their own shampoo, conditioner and body soap and things can get pretty messy and crowded in there. You are just keeping things neat

That's what I was going to suggest. They have little holder things that should hold all of your bathroom items. Shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrush and other hair supplies. Just throw everything in there and keep in your room. He'll get the hint.

++, although you don't need to buy an expensive holder, a paper or plastic grocery bag in the closet works well too for us poor folk.

Do the above & purchase a padlock for your bedroom door. If he doesn't get the hint he's pretty dense.

Add crime scene tape, for good measure!!!

[ThatGuy]

Yup, this would piss me off as well - I'm always checking my shampoo supply at school just to make sure nobody is pulling a quick one on me. So far, so good.

As for your situation, the easiest fix is simply to take your stuff with you when you get out of the shower. Your roommate really can't complain to you about it unless he wants to come right out and say, "I use your shampoo and now I can't because you take it out of the shower, OMGWTF?"

I'm also a big fan of killing him and/or pulling a prank on him, but you have no idea where this road might lead. Putting a brightly-colored shade of hair dye in your shampoo bottle would make him forever question using anything of yours, but I don't think he'd put it in his hair after seeing what it looked like in his hands.