Okay, we've heard a lot of opinions from the media about the White House scandal. What we haven't heard is straight talk from young people. Here tonight from the University of Ohio is Sigma Epsilon's own Randy Graves.
[pan over to Randy, who is wearing a red "Ohio" sweatshirt and a backwards baseball cap and talks like a stereotypical college frat boy]
Randy Graves: [has his hand up towards Colin, expecting a high-five] COLON! [pronounces it "Col-ohn"] WOOO! COLON! COLIN! AAOWW! [puts his hand down] WOOO! First of all, this is a big story, dude. Read the papes! This thing is huge! Basically, what happened: the President of the United States, Slick Willie, went for a kick-ass hummer on the sly...and this [expletive], Linda Tripp, totally cockblocked him! Simple as that!
Now, my good bro, Steve Pinner, we were in the same pledge class, he got arrested for rape, we used to call him Hambone. HAMBONE! CHECK IT OUT! HAMBONE! Anyway, the papers called him "The Laundry Room Rapist." He was clockblocked by some [expletive]. Tripp is a [expletive], Hillary's a [expletive], but Bubba's cool 'cause he's out looking for a BJ! [turns back to Colin and puts his hand back up] Give it up, Colin! AAOWW! [some applause] Colon! Colonial foot soldier! COLON! AAOWW! [puts his hand back down and faces the audience]...Come on, man, he won't give it up!...[to Colin] Dude, are you gay?...You gotta give it up for the [expletive] line, Quinny!
Anyway, Billy broy...he broke rule numero uno: do not dip your pen in the company ink! Am I right? AOW! Dude, I remember this bro, Derek Adkins, he was the COOLEST! You don't even KNOW! He was the COOLEST! Anyway, we were having this slave auction fundraiser, and we're all...we're all out on the party porch...and, uh...[starts to get choked up] and there were way too many people out there, and...the porch gave way, and...Adkins fell...and he hit his head on the ground, but...but it's cool...they got him a van with a ramp that he drives with his teeth now, so...[sings] in your eyes, the light's a heat in your eyes, I am complete! [back to normal] He loved that song! He loved that song! [puts his hand back up] Colon! [puts his hand back down]
That's what I'm talkin' about with this President thing! You are the coolest, Colin! You are the man! Give it up for Colin Quinn! [cheers] Give it up! Stand up in your chairs! I'm out! [puts his hand up once again]
Colin: Randy Graves, everyone! Randy Graves! [laughs and finally high-fives Randy] I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking with it. Good night!
