Rave: The Onion

[MrSaigon]

Funny.

[lukethedrifter]

Look, Are We Going To Spend The Rest Of This Board Meeting Talking About Why I'm Covered In Blood And Feces Or Are We Going To Talk Business?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/look-a ... ard,17871/

Now, then. On page eleven, if I'm not mistaken, this abstract of… this abstract of our combined sales projections… Oh lord, please excuse me, I— Oh—

Oh, God.

Ahem. I sincerely apologize for that, gentlemen. It was rude of me, especially given my previous remarks, to interrupt the meeting so unexpectedly by vomiting all that semen across the conference table. Judging by the looks on your faces, you are all a bit unmanned, but please, let's take a moment to gather ourselves and move on to page 11.

[AdmiralKird]

Oh Man. Awesome.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/arod-f ... ies,18320/

[stlouie_lipp]

I know it's not the Onion, but he writes for them.

Derek Jeter Wins American League Cy Young Award
by DJ Gallo / November 12, 2010

“Derek Jeter boasts the gaudy ERA and — for all we know, a 105 mph fastball — but he makes the other members of the Yankees staff better, too, with his leadership and awe-inspiring defense behind them,”

In the press release announcing the results, the BBWAA noted Jeter’s 0.00 ERA, 0.00 WHIP and undefeated record.

http://www.sportspickle.com/news/383/de ... oung-award

[lukethedrifter]

I can't believe they went there.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/dead-t ... obs,19356/

[SHOW]

"There is a real sense of loss here," said Sharon Hyerblick, a former English teacher of Belzer's. "A lot of these kids wish they had spent more time with Brooke while she was alive. I would say the timid freshmen who never even had the chance to receive a handie from Brooke are taking this especially hard."

[stlouie_lipp]

I can't believe they went there.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/dead-t ... obs,19356/

[SHOW]

"There is a real sense of loss here," said Sharon Hyerblick, a former English teacher of Belzer's. "A lot of these kids wish they had spent more time with Brooke while she was alive. I would say the timid freshmen who never even had the chance to receive a handie from Brooke are taking this especially hard."

whoa

[ghostrunner]

I can't believe they went there.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/dead-t ... obs,19356/

[SHOW]

"There is a real sense of loss here," said Sharon Hyerblick, a former English teacher of Belzer's. "A lot of these kids wish they had spent more time with Brooke while she was alive. I would say the timid freshmen who never even had the chance to receive a handie from Brooke are taking this especially hard."

I saw that the other day on my phone and burst out laughing, and then couldn't tell anybody why.

[MrSaigon]

I haven't read anything great at The Onion for a while, but I loved this:
Man Just Going To Grab Guitar And Old Four-Track, Go Out To Cabin In Woods, Make [expletive] Album Anyone's Ever Heard

In addition to his guitar and analog recording equipment, Ruskin said he is bringing for lyrical inspiration several books of classic poetry, the thematic content of which he will badly misinterpret and bastardize while writing the words for his unbelievably [expletive] songs.

There's some audio, too.

[stlouie_lipp]

Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Hospitalized after a receiver crashed into him on the field last Sunday, Joe Paterno’s return to practice Wednesday came as a vast relief to Penn State players, all of whom live in constant fear of being the one who inevitably kills the 84-year-old head coach.

“Every day we go to the field worried about which one of us will accidentally bump into Coach, cause his entire body to fall apart, and kill him,” senior defensive end Jack Crawford said. “There’s no doubt we are going to be the ones responsible for his death. That’s inevitable. It’s just a question of who and when."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/penn-s ... -be,21120/

[Michael]

U.S. Adds 4 Million Jobs But In St. Louis

WASHINGTON—The Labor Department reported Monday that the U.S. economy created a staggering 4 million jobs in October, though government officials hastened to add that the new positions are all located in the St. Louis metropolitan area. "New employment opportunities are emerging in the fields of engineering, medicine, and manufacturing, but, to be clear, one would have to move to and live in St. Louis to fill these openings," said government spokesperson Stephanie Bergsen, noting that the city has a high crime rate and not much in the way of culture, so be sure to take that into consideration. "Though this much- needed job growth would bring our unemployment rate down to a far more manageable six and a half percent, at the end of the day, it's St. Louis, so…" Republicans strategists are reportedly already planning to use President Obama's record of creating 4 million jobs in St. Louis as the basis for numerous attack ads.