I could use some friendly advice

[IMADreamer]

When I was a teenager my parents adopted my cousin because his parents both died. We got along very well until he graduated high school left town for work and somehow got brainwashed by a preacher in an evangelical church. (There's some insight for you on why I'm not religious) He grew apart from my parents and me and then one day he came home and all was fine until he suddenly went off on my Mom yelling and screaming about who knows what. I'm a very protective person and I quickly and violently removed him from the situation and that was it.

We would get little bits and pieces from other people about his life, like he move out west and was doing who knows what. He eventually got married and had kids, and now for some reason has come back to our hometown. He reached out on Facebook and wanted to get together. For now I said "maybe we can sometime down the road." and left it at that.

I don't care if I ever see him again. In fact for nearly 20 years I've kind of forgotten he existed. I just feel like that there are people in my life who I really do care about that I don't get to spend enough time with so spending energy on this guy just doesn't seem right. My life is fulfilling, filled with love, and quite frankly very busy. I guess to quote Sturgill Simpson "Sorry boys the bus is plumb full." I feel that way, I just don't have time to bother repairing an old relationship that I don't care about.

My wife who is world champ at cutting off family basically said "if you don't want to don't, no loss." Is she right? or am I being an [expletive] here and should try and get together?

[Joe Shlabotnik]

I'm with your wife, Ima. The only way I'd consider a change is if he freely and sincerely, without prompting, apologized for how he treated your mother.

Life's too short to hang with people that cause hurt and anxiety.

[GeddyWrox]

Seconded. Sounds like he really burned that bridge. I don't think anyone (except him) would blame you for keeping him shut out.

[CardsofSTL]

There is no reason you have to meet with him and maybe there are details you haven't shared but a lot of time has passed. If it were me I would probably meet him at a neutral location and hear him out; and if he is not contrite or you doubt whether he is genuine; tell him that you would prefer no further contact. But if you choose not to you are not the [expletive]; you did not create the situation.

[Jocephus]

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

[Popeye_Card]

There is no reason you have to meet with him and maybe there are details you haven't shared but a lot of time has passed. If it were me I would probably meet him at a neutral location and hear him out; and if he is not contrite or you doubt whether he is genuine; tell him that you would prefer no further contact. But if you choose not to you are not the [expletive]; you did not create the situation.

I second this.

Some people change and deserve forgiveness. Others think they have changed, but underneath it all are the same person. Worth it to give him a chance, but be ready to cut bait.

[heyzeus]

There is no reason you have to meet with him and maybe there are details you haven't shared but a lot of time has passed. If it were me I would probably meet him at a neutral location and hear him out; and if he is not contrite or you doubt whether he is genuine; tell him that you would prefer no further contact. But if you choose not to you are not the [expletive]; you did not create the situation.

I would probably do this too. Maybe I'm too nice, but I'd see what he has to say about life and his actions in the past.

At the same time, you may want to talk to your parents about their will and how it treats him. If they don't have a will, since he is an adopted child, he would get his share of their estate.

[IMADreamer]

There is no reason you have to meet with him and maybe there are details you haven't shared but a lot of time has passed. If it were me I would probably meet him at a neutral location and hear him out; and if he is not contrite or you doubt whether he is genuine; tell him that you would prefer no further contact. But if you choose not to you are not the [expletive]; you did not create the situation.

I would probably do this too. Maybe I'm too nice, but I'd see what he has to say about life and his actions in the past.

At the same time, you may want to talk to your parents about their will and how it treats him. If they don't have a will, since he is an adopted child, he would get his share of their estate.

My parents have a will and he's not in it. He certainly would have been had he not did what he did. Fortunately we took care of all the farm/business, and other financial things with my parents probably 10 years ago now.

My first thought when he moved back here was "what does he want?" So needless to say I don't trust him, but legally he's out in the cold.

[heyzeus]

There is no reason you have to meet with him and maybe there are details you haven't shared but a lot of time has passed. If it were me I would probably meet him at a neutral location and hear him out; and if he is not contrite or you doubt whether he is genuine; tell him that you would prefer no further contact. But if you choose not to you are not the [expletive]; you did not create the situation.

I would probably do this too. Maybe I'm too nice, but I'd see what he has to say about life and his actions in the past.

At the same time, you may want to talk to your parents about their will and how it treats him. If they don't have a will, since he is an adopted child, he would get his share of their estate.

My parents have a will and he's not in it. He certainly would have been had he not did what he did. Fortunately we took care of all the farm/business, and other financial things with my parents probably 10 years ago now.

My first thought when he moved back here was "what does he want?" So needless to say I don't trust him, but legally he's out in the cold.

That's good. Maybe I've just watched too many shows with this premise, but whenever the black sheep unexpectedly arrives back in town to "make amends," it seems like that's the sort of ulterior motive at work.

[sighyoung]

It sounds like you have a good gut feeling about this person and what he likely wants.

My feeling is this: if I were trying to make amends to reconnect, I would be upfront about that, to the extent of highlighting my motives, clearly apologizing, and disavowing any financial interest.

I have dealt with a former sister-in-law who cut off contact with family, only to circle back once she suspected that my mother was dead and a payday might be in order. The griftiest grift that ever grifted.

Only if you think there is something valuable in reconciliation should you bother. Otherwise, I suspect that your instincts are right about this.