Resolving stupid marital conflicts

[planet planet]

I know this is a bit personal for some, but everyone deals with silly issues that raise their head time and time again. Have members on the board been to marriage counseling? Do you have DIY tips to share? Again, I'm talking about stupid stuff, but perhaps could be deeper rooted? Mr. Planet uses terms like "you don't respect me" when arguing over these things.

[IMADreamer]

My approach as always been to talk it out, but not at the time of the fight. When the fight happens I just try and get past it. Then maybe a day or two later when everything is good I'll say " hey you remember the other day when we were fighting and you said XXXXX? What was that all about? I want to understand it and I want us to be on the same page." Usually I get one of those responses "oh it was nothing it was just a heat of the moment thing" or we actually discuss whatever it is. I think it helps to wait until things have blown over to have a real conversation about it.

[lukethedrifter]

why don't you respect him?

[Gashouse]

We don't argue often, but when we do, we can both dig in our heals and blow it out of proportion. I think our key is making sure we each let the other know they're being heard and listened to - usually by acknowledging things that were said or summarizing what they said. Also making sure we aren't being dismissive.

We did go to counseling roughly 5-6 years ago, but that was as more because we were fighting about if we were going to have a third kid or not than anything else. (BTW, my wife won - we have the third kid. We have less money because of it, but we're probably happier.) It was long enough ago that specific things we learned have been incorporated and I can't separate what we learned from things we've figured out on our own.

we also did some mandatory pre-marital counseling. Even though that was 17 years ago, one thing that we remember well was the 5 Love Languages. it seemed silly at the time, but it's been surprisingly helpful - both in our relationship, but in our relationships with our kids. Anyway, the short story is that if you are feeling loved in a way that is most meaningful to you, then it helps deal with conflict.

[Freed Roger]

I guess I'm lucky to not have a lot of advice here. When we do have issues -usually it's when we are tired and have to handle something with kids or finances etc. it seems the talking to others about it is non-productive -assuming it is petty /non intervention stuff. That can cause issues with trust when the small disagreements are being whined about to others. Nothing will piss a spouse off more than to feel like the other is keeping score, or airing petty dirty laundry to mutual friends.

But keeping it bottled up, may cause it to fester. Got to find a decent time to talk about it, rather than let it blow up where it's like you are both drunk relationship driving. If we have issues, usually it's in this communication - where we are too rushed to fit in necessary conversation. It helps where we always have something planned up ahead, a sort of dinner, weekend or trip for us planned, so we can let go of the small stuff in the moment, knowing that we can get caught up then.

[Freed Roger]

Now that I gave that a semi-go, here's the Will Ferrell Rachel Dratch - Welshly Arms Hotel - Hot Tub Lovers

http://www.hulu.com/watch/68224

[GeddyWrox]

We've done counseling. It helped some, but I'm the type that dreads confrontation, so I avoid arguments. Counseling made me more comfortable, because I have a tendency to feel like my words are being twisted around and I get defensive which isn't helpful. Having that third party in the room set me at ease to some degree. My wife, on the other hand, likes to think everything through in her head before talking. So she was never comfortable with counseling. She really resisted it, and I eventually gave up trying to get her to go.

Now we are essentially just co-parents and we see other people. So, take my story for whatever it's worth. YMMV

[GeddyWrox]

I'll add that absolutes like "You don't respect me" or "you never do X" or "you always do Y" are not helpful during disagreements or arguments. It puts the other person in a corner and that's when things can get out of hand.

I used to say things like that too. But this is one of the things I learned during counseling that I had to stop doing. Instead of saying "You don't respect me" a better choice is to say "I'm not feeling respected right now." This allows the person to get their point across but doesn't put the other person in the corner. It gives the other person more of a chance to acknowledge the feeling, possibly apologize and for both people to move forward from it.

[MrCrowesGarden]

I'll add that absolutes like "You don't respect me" or "you never do X" or "you always do Y" are not helpful during disagreements or arguments. It puts the other person in a corner and that's when things can get out of hand.

I used to say things like that too. But this is one of the things I learned during counseling that I had to stop doing. Instead of saying "You don't respect me" a better choice is to say "I'm not feeling respected right now." This allows the person to get their point across but doesn't put the other person in the corner. It gives the other person more of a chance to acknowledge the feeling, possibly apologize and for both people to move forward from it.

Agree with this. "Always" and "never" are not good words to use in most arguments, let alone one with your spouse.

I don't recall ever saying I don't feel respected, but usually when I argue with my wife, it's because I think my feelings aren't being validated. By that, I mean, if she does something and reacts one way, and I do the same thing or something similar but am criticized for reacting the same way.

[ZigZagCardsFan]

Best thing I've learned is that in the middle of an argument, both people need to repeat back what they think the other person is trying to say.

It's annoying as hell when you're mad, but the simple miscommunications in the middle of an argument add so much fuel to a conflict that at the end of the day may not be a big deal.

It's something I still don't do enough, but when I do, it works very well. I'm just a stubborn ass at times.