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American Children Like Me Are Lazy And Insolent And Must Try Harder
BY JIMMY MCDONALDS


Hello, reader! I am a young boy from the United States, and like most other American children such as me, it seems there is nothing I enjoy more than lazing about from morning until night, eating sweets, and wantonly disrespecting the wishes of my elders.

But I am beginning to realize that my behavior—and the behavior of all typical American young people like me—is in every way unacceptable. What is more, my lack of obedience goes completely unchecked, since my parents, teachers, and government authorities will do nothing to stop it.

Just look at how fat I have become! I am a big, fat, sloppy boy. Goodness, I must be as large as a hog, or a 150-pound barrel of delicious reprocessed fish spines, freshly packaged in Deyang, in the great province of Sichuan, in a country called China that I would like to learn more about. In that country, children my age are kept at a manageable weight, and are taught early on about the value of hard work and obedience.

American Voices
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Whitney Houston To Release Comeback Album

Arista Records announced that in September pop diva Whitney Houston, singer of the song "I Will Always Love You," will release her first album of new songs in seven years. What do you think?

John Baker,
School Teacher
"Welcome back, our dear, tea-hued nightingale."

Blue Jays GM Confirms There Never Really Was A 'Roy Halladay'

TORONTO—Responding to criticism that the team should have done more to deal star pitcher Roy Halladay by the trade deadline, Blue Jays general manager J.P. Ricciardi revealed at a press conference Monday that there was no such person as the alleged six-time All-Star.

When asked to explain his team's inactivity at the trade deadline, Ricciardi bristled, saying, "Look, we are in fourth place in the toughest division in baseball, and the only way to remain competitive is by cutting salary, trading for prospects, and building for 2011."

"Obviously, if Roy Halladay existed, I would have traded him," he added. "I'm not an idiot."

JL21 wrote:

Blue Jays GM Confirms There Never Really Was A 'Roy Halladay'

TORONTO—Responding to criticism that the team should have done more to deal star pitcher Roy Halladay by the trade deadline, Blue Jays general manager J.P. Ricciardi revealed at a press conference Monday that there was no such person as the alleged six-time All-Star.

When asked to explain his team's inactivity at the trade deadline, Ricciardi bristled, saying, "Look, we are in fourth place in the toughest division in baseball, and the only way to remain competitive is by cutting salary, trading for prospects, and building for 2011."

"Obviously, if Roy Halladay existed, I would have traded him," he added. "I'm not an idiot."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/bl ... =a-section

"Baseball is built on little deceptions: the curveball, the hidden-ball trick, the existence of Stan Musial. And we're not the only team who bends the truth. The Padres played 212 games last year just to make a little extra money. Just slid by and no one noticed. Milwaukee doesn't even have a third base."

Biggest Errors In MLB Postseason History
Sloppy play has led to a number of charged errors during the 2009 MLB playoffs. Onion Sports examines the long, storied tradition of postseason errors.

2009: St. Louis outfielder Matt Holliday makes an error on a tricky fly ball that wasn't so much tricky as it was routine, and wasn't so much a fly ball as it was a dinky piece of [expletive] that any moron could catch

1986: Bill Buckner gives up three straight singles and throws a wild pitch before letting a ground ball roll between his legs

Vespa Corporation Enchants Another Slight Little Man-Child