Willing yourself to not contact an ex

[tothebeach08]

Doc, Since men and women think very differently about most things, and so far your responses on this have been from men, here's my 2 cents (which is about what it is really worth). Most women have a guy like this in their past. Someone you had a great time with, someone who was possibly all wrong for you, bad situation.....but it didn't matter because when you were together it was hot and fun and you were able to block out the bad, at least on a temporary basis, to just enjoy the good. But eventually you couldn't ignore all the warning lights and blaring horns telling you to turn around, to stop. And you let go, possibly even pushed him out for your own health and stability. But he was always there, inside your head and inside your heart. Always the guy that no other guy could measure up to. It's not surprising you had this dream. Whatever problems he had, it is possible that he has changed. You can't control your heart. The ability to feel and love is what separates us from other living things. I'm sorry that your going through this, but it was probably inevitable at some point. In the end, whatever you decide, will make you a stronger person.

[TimeForGuinness]

You know you're going to call him, so just call him. Stop dancing around the issue, life is too short and you don't know what has happened over the past few years...maybe it will work...maybe it won't. Either way, you can move on after the call...either with him or without him.

Deep down inside, I think that one day you hope it will work again...but you're too scared to find out.

Hearts are very delicate, especially when you let someone in.

I know.

What do you mean? She said she called him.

Really? I haven't read the entire thread.

[cardinalkarp]

You know you're going to call him, so just call him. Stop dancing around the issue, life is too short and you don't know what has happened over the past few years...maybe it will work...maybe it won't. Either way, you can move on after the call...either with him or without him.

Deep down inside, I think that one day you hope it will work again...but you're too scared to find out.

Hearts are very delicate, especially when you let someone in.

I know.

What do you mean? She said she called him.

Really? I haven't read the entire thread.

I think it was on page 5 that she decided to make the call.

[TimeForGuinness]

You know you're going to call him, so just call him. Stop dancing around the issue, life is too short and you don't know what has happened over the past few years...maybe it will work...maybe it won't. Either way, you can move on after the call...either with him or without him.

Deep down inside, I think that one day you hope it will work again...but you're too scared to find out.

Hearts are very delicate, especially when you let someone in.

I know.

What do you mean? She said she called him.

Really? I haven't read the entire thread.

I think it was on page 5 that she decided to make the call.

Yeah, I just read it...awesome!

[StatmanCrothers]

Doc, Since men and women think very differently about most things, and so far your responses on this have been from men, here's my 2 cents (which is about what it is really worth). Most women have a guy like this in their past. Someone you had a great time with, someone who was possibly all wrong for you, bad situation.....but it didn't matter because when you were together it was hot and fun and you were able to block out the bad, at least on a temporary basis, to just enjoy the good. But eventually you couldn't ignore all the warning lights and blaring horns telling you to turn around, to stop. And you let go, possibly even pushed him out for your own health and stability. But he was always there, inside your head and inside your heart. Always the guy that no other guy could measure up to. It's not surprising you had this dream. Whatever problems he had, it is possible that he has changed. You can't control your heart. The ability to feel and love is what separates us from other living things. I'm sorry that your going through this, but it was probably inevitable at some point. In the end, whatever you decide, will make you a stronger person.

Very very very unlikely. Life works best if you assume that you are the only one who can change. Expecting other people to change is the root of most frustration, stress and unhappiness.

[Radbird]

But it is just as hard to make yourself love someone as it is to make yourself stop loving someone.

I think it's harder to stop loving someone. You haven't seen or (until you called) talked to him for 3 years. The love is still there, but the feelings that prompted you to break it off have faded somewhat. I'm 30+ years beyond my college love, and I still have feelings for her. I'm sure were I to see her after all these years, I would get that same adrenaline surge that I felt when I first saw her. But there are reasons we're not together, and I've had a wonderful life partner for the last 28 years. Wouldn't change a thing. But those feelings will always be there.

[docellis]

doc, I assume you had a good reason for breaking off the relationship.

My question is this--is your continuing interest in your ex really related to your ex, is does it reflect your dissatisfaction with other relationships since your break-up?

I'm not being flippant. I really want to know what you think.

I don't think so. There have only been two guys that I have dated with any level of seriousness since I broke up with him, but I don't think I compared them to him or my satisfaction with him. I've pretty much been blocking him out of my head for 3 years and doing my best to never think about him.

[StatmanCrothers]

doc, I assume you had a good reason for breaking off the relationship.

My question is this--is your continuing interest in your ex really related to your ex, is does it reflect your dissatisfaction with other relationships since your break-up?

I'm not being flippant. I really want to know what you think.

I don't think so. There have only been two guys that I have dated with any level of seriousness since I broke up with him, but I don't think I compared them to him or my satisfaction with him. I've pretty much been blocking him out of my head for 3 years and doing my best to never think about him.

you need to go ahead and think about him. take each memory, turn it into a color picture, then fade it to black and white, then shrink it very small. keep doing this and eventually you'll be able to kill without remorse. oh, wait, what were we talking about?

[tothebeach08]

Very very very unlikely. Life works best if you assume that you are the only one who can change. Expecting other people to change is the root of most frustration, stress and unhappiness.

I didn't say he changed FOR SURE. I said it is POSSIBLE that he changed, losing her may have made him realize he needed to change, or other life events since their breakup may have been a wake up call. And while I agree it is very hard for people to change, and unlikely that anyone ever totally changes, it is possible that whatever problems he had have been addressed, at least in part. Caring about someone and loving someone are not an exact science. Obviously you should never expect anyone else to change, you cannot control other people and the roads they pick.

[docellis]

Very very very unlikely. Life works best if you assume that you are the only one who can change. Expecting other people to change is the root of most frustration, stress and unhappiness.

I didn't say he changed FOR SURE. I said it is POSSIBLE that he changed, losing her may have made him realize he needed to change, or other life events since their breakup may have been a wake up call. And while I agree it is very hard for people to change, and unlikely that anyone ever totally changes, it is possible that whatever problems he had have been addressed, at least in part. Caring about someone and loving someone are not an exact science. Obviously you should never expect anyone else to change, you cannot control other people and the roads they pick.

He hasn't and I don't think he ever will.