Corporate Speak

[Arthur Dent]

Going forward, I suggest you take an action item to recast your priorities so as to ensure that your GRB deliverables meet the quality metrics set forth in our mission statement.

...all of the sudden this board is starting to stress me out a bit...

It's critical that we leverage our core business processes to drive growth and deliver solutions that maximize value for our customers.

[G. Keenan]

This speak happens everywhere. Last year I worked for a graduate program at a university and during the prep for the big visit weekend, when all the prospective students come, we were instructed that if a student asked a question to which the answer was "no," we were to respond with, "actually....." and then proceed to tell them why they couldn't get what they wanted from this program.

A prominent philosophy professor gave me these instructions.

We're sort of hedging on semantics, but I view that as falling under good social skills more than anything else.

Nobody likes to hear "no".

It was for questions that there was no other answer for. Like, "Am I guaranteed admittance to a PhD program if I complete this master's degree?"

"Actually, no."

[thrill]

This speak happens everywhere. Last year I worked for a graduate program at a university and during the prep for the big visit weekend, when all the prospective students come, we were instructed that if a student asked a question to which the answer was "no," we were to respond with, "actually....." and then proceed to tell them why they couldn't get what they wanted from this program.

A prominent philosophy professor gave me these instructions.

We're sort of hedging on semantics, but I view that as falling under good social skills more than anything else.

Nobody likes to hear "no".

It was for questions that there was no other answer for. Like, "Am I guaranteed admittance to a PhD program if I complete this master's degree?"

"Actually, no."

You should have worn some reflective, cool sunglasses like this guy:


Then when they asked, "Am I guaranteed admittance to a PhD program if I complete this master's degree?" you respond with "IT IS WHAT IT IS, BABY. DO WORK."

[JL21]

This speak happens everywhere. Last year I worked for a graduate program at a university and during the prep for the big visit weekend, when all the prospective students come, we were instructed that if a student asked a question to which the answer was "no," we were to respond with, "actually....." and then proceed to tell them why they couldn't get what they wanted from this program.

A prominent philosophy professor gave me these instructions.

We're sort of hedging on semantics, but I view that as falling under good social skills more than anything else.

Nobody likes to hear "no".

It was for questions that there was no other answer for. Like, "Am I guaranteed admittance to a PhD program if I complete this master's degree?"

"Actually, no."

So, you'd still say "no"?

[G. Keenan]

This is a great list of corporate speak.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7457287.stm

[Arthur Dent]

This is a great list of corporate speak.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7457287.stm

Lucy Kellaway writes a excellent column for the Financial Times. In addition to her campaign against corporate speak, she was the one who unearthed that unspeakable Shell Oil anthem.

[Radbird]

"Net net, at the end of the day..."

God, no.

Last week, I was in a meeting with one of our execs and a bunch of his staff people. In a 90-minute meeting, the term "at the end of the day" was used 17 times. I counted.

Halfway in, the exec asked who was "memorializing" the meeting. I think that means who was taking and publishing minutes, but I wasn't in the mood to socialize that with anyone to see if I was right.

[Freed Roger]

a little downtime to touch base on this thread.

[ghostrunner]

"Net net, at the end of the day..."

God, no.

Last week, I was in a meeting with one of our execs and a bunch of his staff people. In a 90-minute meeting, the term "at the end of the day" was used 17 times. I counted.

Halfway in, the exec asked who was "memorializing" the meeting. I think that means who was taking and publishing minutes, but I wasn't in the mood to socialize that with anyone to see if I was right.

I would have paid good money to see someone actually erect a memorial in honor of the meeting.

[Hungary Jack]

This is a great list of corporate speak.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7457287.stm

I find it appalling. I just hate this kind of stuff.