movies

[JL21]

You might try a search for "6 Films to Keep You Awake".

[MrSaigon]

And don't even get me started on the Spike Lee re-make of "Oldboy".

I thought it was Spielbergo? I don't need it anyway. Watching Oldboy made me feel like watching The Land Before Time 6-14 for a month or two. Hallway fight scene is amazing though.

[JL21]

I thought it was Spielbergo? I don't need it anyway. Watching Oldboy made me feel like watching The Land Before Time 6-14 for a month or two. Hallway fight scene is amazing though.

It's a recent development:

http://splashpage.mtv.com/2011/07/12/spike-lee-oldboy/

And I'm with you. That's one of the most disturbing flicks I've ever seen. It's a great movie but I don't feel an ounce of desire to ever see it again.

[lukethedrifter]

I can't decide if my desire not to see people disemboweled and their heads blown off has anything to do with my having seen people disemboweled and with their heads blown off.

[cpebbles]

So I went to watch Harry Potter while I bug-bombed my house today, but it was sold out when I arrived 15 minutes early and Horrible Bosses (Which I've already seen, but missed about 15 minutes of when I got paged) was half over. My choices were 1) travel someplace else and go shopping for a few hours, 2) watch the new Transformers movie, or 3) go home and risk breathing deadly poison for a few hours. I should have chosen #3.

This is the first time I have ever directly contributed money to this godforsaken series, and I am legitimately ashamed of it. My review will contain some spoilers, but I'm not going to spoiler tag it because if you're the kind of person who can't bear to have the plot of the new Transformers movie spoiled for you, then [expletive] you.

First off, this is not a fun movie to watch. I can appreciate that some people are attracted to bright, shiny things, but this movie's brightness was all dampened by the 3D so it wasn't even bright and shiny. Second, plot always matters and you can't get a pass for having a [expletive] plot by claiming that you made a stupid movie that doesn't deserve a plot. No, I wasn't expecting a good story, but that doesn't mean the movie doesn't suck because it didn't have one. Third, I recognize exactly two Transformers: Optimus Prime and Bumblebee. I don't think any of the other Autobots are ever named, so I don't really give half of a [expletive] when they're murdered later in the movie, and the Decepticons aren't color-coded so they all look exactly the [expletive] same. So in half of the action scenes I literally have no idea which [expletive] robots are fighting, which kind of makes it hard to care.

This movie has one of the most incomprehensible [expletive] stories I've ever heard. Apparently during the war on their home planet, the leader of the Autobots before Optimus Prime invented a weapon that quite literally makes the Autobots omnipotent. It can teleport anything, including a [expletive] entire planet, anywhere through time and space instantaneously. Now that he has this amazing technology and is all-powerful, he decides to cut a deal with the bad guys to save his race and his planet. I guess it just would've been too much trouble to fire up his new god-in-a-box. But instead of just directly saving his planet, he decides to transport this weapon to Earth, let the Decepticons blow up the homeworld (Or whatever the [expletive] they did with it) and then use it to teleport the home planet to him. I have no idea why he didn't just use it to kill the bad guys or save his planet before they wrecked it, but he's the "Einstein of their world" so maybe it's just beyond my understanding. So he tells everybody that he needs to transport this all-powerful weapon someplace else, for some stupid reason (Probably because they're [expletive] stupid) nobody questions this, and the bad guys that he is now secretly working with--who have somehow talked him into using this weapon for their benefit--shoot his stupid spaceship out of the sky, but somehow it's 99.99% on target anyway and it crashes on the moon. Later on Optimus goes and wakes him up. He activates his magic teleporter, and what does he do with his new godlike powers? He teleports like a dozen Decepticons from the moon to Chicago. What the [expletive]? I'm pretty sure they could have just cloned the [expletive] moon lander and made their own way to Earth a few decades ago.

So then Shia Labouf is in the [expletive] movie again, and there is a new Megan Fox. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it the movie opens with a close-up shot of her vagina. I mean, she's wearing cotton panties at the time, but the first shot literally starts at her vagina. He whines about not having a job, his parents drop in for a 2-minute bit of unfunny comic relief, then he gets a job with John Malkovic, who has like three scenes where he plays a ridiculous caricature of an overbearing goofball and then he disappears. Then we meet his girlfriend's boss, who has been incredible to her, but we later learn is a traitor who probably has a boner for the new Megan Fox but is too poorly-written for me to be sure. I guess he had to be a cartoonishly bad guy because otherwise it would confuse the three year-olds this [expletive] movie was made for. Strangely, the injunction on moral ambiguity doesn't extend to the robots, because the Autobots taunt a Decepticon about how much it's going to hurt as they rip him apart while he's still living, and the end of the movie has Optimus Prime shoot a guy in the back of the head gangland-style as he lays on the ground pleading for mercy.

So anyway, we enter the [expletive] three-hour action scene and [expletive] everyone who talks about that like it's a good thing. As far as I can tell from this incomprehensible [expletive], all the actors from the first few movies get back together (Because they can't get roles in real [expletive] movies any more) and decide to make it to the top of the Trump Tower (BTW, why exactly did the movie suddenly switch from Washington D.C. to Chicago, no properties in D.C. with "Trump" in the name that they could get paid to mention a few times?) to shoot part of the [expletive] space teleporter with a rocket launcher. So they make it up there and they apparently decide not to do that, and instead they spend another hour just running away from Decepticons and demonstrating that Michael Bay has no idea what happens when flesh meets concrete or steel at high rates of speed. At one point John Turturro (Who owes us at least six new Coen Brothers movies for being in this [expletive] series) says, and I [expletive] you not, "You think you can hack the bridge?" and then someone hacks into a bridge. It was at this point that I started rooting for the Decepticons because Michael Bay wants me to root for the Autobots, and [expletive] Michael Bay.

At one point we're just told that all the Autobots were captured, so we get a scene where they're being held prisoners and the evil human suddenly hates Autobots for absolutely no reason and tells the Decepticons to kill them because "it's personal." They kill one of them, and then Bumblebee decides to stop surrendering and kills all of the bad robots in like three seconds. Maybe you shouldn't take prisoners-of-war when they have rocket launchers and guns built into their arms and are trained in robot karate. Then Optimus Prime shows up again and single-handedly kills like four other Decepticons in ten slow-motion seconds, which somehow just leaves Megatron and the traitor robot. I don't know where the [expletive] the other Decepticons were, but I guess they suddenly had stuff to do. Come to think of it, how the [expletive] were the Decepticons winning the war on the homeworld when every Autobot tears through the [expletive] things like an MMA fighter against 5 year olds?

So then it's Shia's big time to save the world, and he... Totally doesn't. He doesn't do a useful [expletive] thing in this movie. The only thing he contributes to the plot of this movie is at the beginning when he is totally [expletive] wrong on the Decepticons' plan. His big heroic act is hitting his girlfriend's evil boss in the head with a metal pole while the Decepticons are successfully pulling off their evil plan, and then one of the robots saves the Earth. I didn't pay much attention to the first movie and I skipped the second one, but was he always this [expletive] useless? He is the main character in this movie, but he exists entirely because a [expletive] robot car can't be a main character in a movie. It's like watching Star Wars from the perspective of a [expletive] Ewok who took all the credit, except the Ewoks actually contributed a little bit.

So then Optimus and the traitor robot fight for a bit. New Megan Fox convinces Megatron to shoot the traitor out of jealousy (Her being conniving for about three seconds contributes a thousandfold more to the victory for Earth than anything Shia does), and then Optimus notices him and basically cuts him in half with one lunge. Optimus then commits the afore-mentioned cold-blooded murder, and now the movie is over since we spent too long on Shia Lebouf running from [expletive] robots. We literally get one line from Optimus Prime and then credits roll. Someone said earlier that there were 200 Decepticons on Earth, and as far as I can tell there are only like 2 Autobots left, but I guess that doesn't matter since we've now established that they are completely inconsequential adversaries anyway.

So, anyway, thumbs down.

[Schlich]

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[The Third Man]

That was...outstanding.

[Maclowery]

Wow, you hated transformers 3 as much as I hated transformers 2.

I enjoyed 3, gotta say. At least the camera didn't cut around like crazy during the robot destruction, so you actually got a sense of what was going on.

You didn't like the highway chase scene at least? I thought that alone was one of the best looking action scenes, like, ever'er. Even despite the hour and a half of non-explosions, I still feel like I got my money's worth.


By the way, that post was really [expletive] awesome.

[Transmogrified Tiger]

You didn't like the highway chase scene at least? I thought that alone was one of the best looking action scenes, like, ever'er. Even despite the hour and a half of non-explosions, I still feel like I got my money's worth.

I liked it better in The Island.

[Cronos]

I liked it better in The Island.

A very underrated film.