Rant: Shyness/Introversion

[Popeye_Card]

I don't disagree with your assessment of 19th century authors, Popeye. But their voices were seen by many as the voices of reason in that day and age and, like influences that occur in all eras, the behavior of their characters were often the blueprint that many young men and women aspired to. George Eliot's Middlemarch, which I'm currently reading, was described as being "concerned with how to live and what to think, not just as these problems present themselves to the man in the street, but to the artist and the philosopher." Sure, much of the literature was set in a different time or completely different social structure and might have been viewed as nothing more than an escape and there were often examples of despicable behavior, but I still doubt the influences of today's society (nothing but wall-to-wall obnoxious, while constantly being reminded that loud, confident life of the party types get all the women they want) could be viewed as more welcoming or a better environment for an introvert to exist.

Oh, and let me go on record as saying that don't I think shyness or narcissism should necessarily automatically be viewed as a "flaw".

Well being an outward ass has never really been celebrated. Even now. Being reserved is praised in literature as being poised. Being shy isn't poised. Its just being shy.

I didn't mean for being reserved/shy as being a fatal flaw. Cronos clearly struggles with it. We all struggle with something. You have to be stronger than your weaknesses, is my only point.

Cronos, I probably came off harsh. My basic point is not to focus on failure. Remember that failing doesnt kill you. It doesn't even hurt. Just sack up. Its like jumping off the high dive for the first time when you are 9 years old. It isnt going to kill you. Jump.

[Arthur Dent]

The Times recently had a nice piece on shyness as a sort of strategy with benefits complimentary to extroversion. I think there's definitely something to this story. My own shyness is in large part just the way I like to approach things. I want to understand new situations and how things work before I start making my own moves. In some situations, that is a productive approach, but in others its maladaptive. Same goes for extroversion.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/26/opini ... yness.html

On the other hand, I'd agree there is something to the idea that shyness can be narcissistic, but not automatically so, and of course one can just as easily be an extroverted narcissist.

[Richie Allen]

Would you guys, men in particular, view a girl's shyness as a flaw? Would it be a deal breaker for you? I know, it may be different for guys but do you really think there are a great number of girls out there, girls that are worth getting to know, that would hold it against you for being somewhat shy? Or, let me put it this way, if you are a shy person, do you really want to end up with a girl that thinks a guy has to be outgoing to be a man? Sure, you can learn the little tricks of small-talk, as I and others suggested earlier, and you can force yourself into uncomfortable situations in an attempt to feel more comfortable around people, and you can even, as ICE suggested, drink every time you want to approach strangers but the ultimate answer for your long term happiness may lie in finding someone that is attracted to you the way you are, without your having to put on pretenses.

[Cronos]

...but the ultimate answer for your long term happiness may lie in finding someone that is attracted to you the way you are, without your having to put on pretenses.

Well of course. That's the ideal and what one looks for in the end, but if the introversion/shyness serves enough of a barrier, whether it's to meeting or just being able to express interest in someone else, it can be a real problem for the more introverted or self-conscious male. Society dictates that the guy has to make the first move.

Interesting article, AD. I'll probably have some thoughts on it I'll post later.

[Richie Allen]

...but the ultimate answer for your long term happiness may lie in finding someone that is attracted to you the way you are, without your having to put on pretenses.

Well of course. That's the ideal and what one looks for in the end, but if the introversion/shyness serves enough of a barrier, whether it's to meeting or just being able to express interest in someone else, it can be a real problem. Society dictates that the guy has to make the first move.

I don't think that's always necessarily true.

But I'm not saying you should sit around in your house and wait for someone to call. I'm just warning you that reinventing yourself into someone you're not going to be comfortable pulling off for the rest of your life might not be your best approach. If you're just looking to get laid, I think it's a somewhat different discussion.

[docellis]

Everyone has introversion hindering them in some aspect of their life, I think. Maybe it is public speaking, or entering the cafeteria at a new job, or something else.

I think it can be a symptom of depression when is gets debilitation, but mostly, day to day, I think it is being trapped in your own head. And I rarely agree with slide/dangerous, but here, I do. Nobody cares, nobody is watching you and nobody is perfect.

Because you have been dealing with this much longer than you have been pursuing your profession - I am almost LESS sympathetic. You have been studying behavior much longer than the average person who suffers from shyness. You have tools to fix this and you choose not to.

[Faceman]

Doc is right on.

Cronos, man up. Just spend a month doing the opposite of what is natural. Just throw game for the hell of it. They can tell if you don't care, it makes them mad, frustrates them, and gets them interested in you. Pull a costanza. If it feels wrong, do it.

If it doesn't work, at least you tried it. Women are attracted to confidence, not feeling sorry for yourself.

[Sutter'sBeard]

For the longest time, I categorized myself as shy. Through the years, I found that I'm just not a very interesting person and don't have a lot to say about things that don't interest me.

[cards2468]

In training we had to categorize our personality and share with the class what we are. I labeled myself as an introvert and many people said I was full of [expletive] and that there's no way I'm an introvert. The truth of the matter is introvert only means you don't give a [expletive] about what other people say and if you had your choice you wouldn't have to talk to them. Because this doesn't seem possible, I follow ICE's advice and just drink a lot.

[Richie Allen]

The definition of extrovert vs. introvert, as I've heard it explained, actually seemed to have very little to do with comfort or ability to speak with people or crowds of people. Just that while the extrovert seems to feed off of and become more energetic with human interaction, the introvert tends to eventually drain of energy and will need time alone afterward to recharge. Many great comedians, entertainers, professors, etc. are introverts and it doesn't affect their work but after the day is over, the introvert prefers time alone, whereas the extrovert may be more comfortable being around other people.

One of the reasons I brought up a page or two ago the importance of finding someone compatible with your actual personality, rather than pretending to be someone you're not, is for this very reason. An extreme extrovert may really get fed up with an introvert, and vice versa. I really do think they tend to view the world quite differently in many cases.